The one thing I know from being married for 10 years and helping people get married for 8 or so of those years, is that the two main things couples fight about are sex and money (have too much there are problems, have too little there are problems). That’s why I’m so excited to have Héloïse Haupt writing for us today.
Héloïse is a Self Love, Pleasure and Orgasm Coach and started this journey to heal herself and in the process realized how little we are taught about our sexuality and what makes a good partner and lover in life.
I’m so proud of her for making so many conversations that are seen as Taboo BUT which are so important to our relationships, self and sanity – a normal, approachable topic of conversation.
How to be an Epic Lover?
The one thing most of us desire and also long to be.
In my experience we are sadly never taught what makes an epic lover. We are taught very little about our sexuality and over and above that how to connect with and please our partners.
If we were lucky we had basic sex education in school which covered how not to fall pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease.
When last did you hear anyone speaking about pleasure? Or what can you do to increase pleasure and connection in partnership? The result of not having these conversations is that we tend to be very goal-oriented with our sexuality. This creates tremendous pressure to orgasm with that being the be all and end all of a good sexual experience. In fact there is so much more that makes up a beautiful sexual experience.
I tried for so long to be the perfect lover. This resulted in me trying to meet all my partners needs and ignoring my own. I was never taught how to express my own needs or ask for what I needed in the relationship.
My partners on the other hand also had limited knowledge. They too were lacking information in terms of how to connect with me and create a place of safety for me to be able to express my deepest fears and explore my sexuality.
This creates a massive imbalance in relationships as we are never provided with the tools to have these kinds of open and honest conversations from a place of safety.
We are taught everything in life: how to eat, how to talk, how to walk, yet we are never taught how to be lovers and how to bring pleasure to ourselves?
If we are lucky we might come right through trial and error or we might have a partner with a bit more experience or an older sibling we can ask for advice, but for the most part the vast majority of people are left fumbling in the dark hoping for the best.
So what can you do if you find yourself desiring more and not knowing how to express it? What can you do to create more safety and connection in your relationship?
Well, here are some tips to help you on the road to becoming an epic lover.
Tip # 1 – Plan date nights
We all desire spontaneity in life but the reality is that if we do not schedule and plan to connect with our partners, we often won’t have the time to do so. Planning date nights creates excitement. You can schedule these in advance and put them in your diary. This is a commitment to your lover. It shows them that they are important to you.
You can take turns planning the date nights and finding ways in which you can delight or surprise one another. They can be weekly, twice a month, or however often suits you.
A date night could be lighting a few candles, having a bubble bath together and then taking the time to give each other a relaxing massage. They do not have to be over the top or cost a lot of money.
Leave the expectation of having sex at the door and be willing to switch phones to airplane mode for a bit. This is a time for you to connect and enjoy each other’s company without any interruptions or expectations. Simply see what is alive for both of you in that moment and go with the flow.
Tip # 2 – Create a safe space for intimacy
The fear of intimacy is rooted in the fear of being seen. How can you create a space for your partner that is safe for them to be intimate with you?
Deep down most of us have a fear of being seen for who we truly are. As a result we often hide our real selves. This becomes increasingly difficult to hide when you are living with someone, especially in our current covid times.
A beautiful practice to increase intimacy and safety is setting aside some time every day where you connect with your partner and where you are able to express your fears, loves and desires.
Sit facing each other and looking into each other’s eyes. Partner A will have 90 seconds to express their fears. Examples of fears could be: the fear of asking for too much, the fear of never having enough money, the fear of being a failure, or simply the fear of having to express one’s fears. During this time partner B’s only role is to listen. Once the 90 seconds are up, partner B will thank partner A for sharing and you will swap roles, so that partner B can express their fears and partner A listens. You will repeat this process for loves (what is it that you love about your partner and or your sexuality) and desires (what is it that you most desire).
This is an extremely intimate practice and can feel very vulnerable. With time it gets easier and easier. This creates a beautiful space for each partner to express freely without judgement and fear of being interrupted.
This can be a wonderful moment to mention what it is that you desire around your sexuality. Maybe you desire to be touched in a certain way or maybe you fear not being adventurous enough for your partner. Creating a safe place to voice these things will bring you closer together and create more intimacy and safety in your relationship.
Tip # 3 – Self Responsibility
Fully accept that you are responsible for turning yourself on.
Getting turned on does not start just before you are about to have sex. It is something you can cultivate every single day with pleasure practices.
Of course, what your partner does and does not do matters. However, keeping your kettle bubbling throughout the day by tuning-in to your pleasure means that you are leading a turned on life. Simply put, the more pleasure you allow yourself to feel and experience every day the more pleasure you can feel and experience in the bedroom.
This removes the subtle sense of victim hood (especially for heterosexual women) as your turn on and sexuality are yours to cultivate. This empowers you. You don’t need anyone to save you or turn you on.
When we remove the expectation that it is our partners responsibility to turn us on we create a space where we can become curious and explore. “If my turn on is my responsibility what can I do in this moment to feel more pleasure? Do I need to ask for something different? Do I need to change position?” Suddenly you are in control and you can direct your partner how best to please and satisfy you. The onus is on you.
Tip # 4 – Tease one another
Remember when you first started dating how you used to send each other a million messages and get giddy just at the thought of receiving a single text?
Well, how can you tease each other throughout the day? What makes relationships fun and exciting early on is the fact that you are getting to know one another; everything about this person is new and unique.
You can cultivate this by noticing the ‘otherness’ of your partner.
Cultivating this sense of mystery can spark desire and turn on and often brings with it a new appreciation for the person in front of you.
Think of creative ways in which you can create sexual tension between yourselves throughout the day. Explore what turns each of you on. So often our partners become boring and mundane to us because we stop noticing how unique they are. We stop teasing and flirting with each other.
Remember that it takes two to tango. While some of these exercises might feel like work initially they will create a space where you will both feel more connected and open with one another. When you start to feel more in tune and connected as a couple this paves the way for playfulness and a greater sense of freedom which ultimately results in epic sex and a powerful and fulfilling relationship on all fronts.
If you liked this article and would like to receive more information you can follow me on instagram @heloise.haupt where I share tips and practices to help you lead a more turned on, pleasure filled and orgasmic life.